


Cookies Are The Best Kind Of Torture

by Snowcouger



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, crack!fic, hilarious abuse of cookies as a plot device
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-09
Updated: 2010-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:58:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowcouger/pseuds/Snowcouger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Genma's a pervert, and the boys are bored. So after a few beers and some annoyingly hilarious banter, they decide to prank  the poor jounin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cookies Are The Best Kind Of Torture

"I'm bored," whined Genma.

"Feh, it's a slow night..." yawned Kotetsu as he took a long draw from his beer.

"Well, I'd say let's go get hammered, but we already are," sighed Izumo.

"I hate Wednesday," added Raidou. "Never anything to do if there's not a mission."

Genma's face perked up and he grinned lecherously. "I know! We can go..."

"No!" came three simultaneous reproaches.

"We are not going to go peak on Kakashi and Iruka. I'm sick of scraping your sorry ass off the concrete below their window all the time."

"But Rai...!" he whined

"I still don't get why you always want to watch Kakashi getting it on when you've got a perfectly hot boyfriend of your own," added Kotetsu with his usual sniff.

"Don't get me wrong, I love Raidou more then life itself..." he replied in his sappiest voice, "...but there's just something so... appealing... about Kakashi and Iruka. I just can't help myself."

"You do understand that he's never gunna let you join."

"Killjoy."

"Pervert."

"Well, I can't dispute that..."

"That he admits to it..."

"How do you put up with him Raidou?"

"Advantage of having been best friends since we were in diapers: I can tune him out completely."

Genma gasped in mock surprise, "How can you say such a thing! You shouldn't tune out your boyfriend!"

"You tune me out when I'm trying to talk you out of doing idiotic things, so why can't I tune you out when you're being a pervert?"

"Because you like it when I'm being a pervert."

"Not when your trying to get yourself in Kakashi's bed I don't."

"Who said you wouldn't be joining us?"

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy... more information then any of us needed."

Genma grinned wickedly and said, "Lighten up Kotetsu. It's not like you're any different with Hayate."

"Dude! What the hell? So not true!" he cried, glaring death at his soon to be dead friend, if the look on Izumo's face was any indication.

"The glare says it all man," he chuckled, still grinning wickedly

"I've got an idea..." said Izumo calmly before leaning over and whispering in Kotetsu's ear.

Kotetsu's face brightened, "Oh yes... such a good idea."

"What's a good idea?"

Raidou was sitting close enough to Kotetsu to have heard what Izumo was saying. "Only if I get to do it."

"Do what Rai?"

His only answer was three sets of identically mischievous grins.

"Guys? What are you gunna do?" Genma was starting to get just a little bit nervous.

"You'll see," said Izumo as the three of them hopped off their respective bar stool and surrounded Genma.

"Get away!" he screamed as they grabbed a hold of him and grappled him to the ground. Last thing he remembered was the sound of a chakra seal.

"Gen...?"

"Hey Genma...?"

"Wake up sleepy head..."

Genma grunted, but didn't wake up.

"Geeeeeeenmaaaaaaaa..." said Raidou as he poked his boyfriend in the shoulder several times. "Come on Gen, time to wake up already."

"Ugh... Don' wanna..."

"Hmmmm... How do you suggest we wake him up Izumo?"

"Cookies always work."

"True. Kotetsu?"

"He's a pervert," was the simple reply.

"Hmmmm... also true. Izumo, if you would."

Izumo set a small container down, but refrained from opening it.

"You sure he's not going to be able to get out of it Kotetsu? I seriously doubt that Izumo would appriciate being mauled because he's holding a containter of cookies."

"Hello, I don't believe we've met," replied Kotetsu sarcastically, forgoing the mock handshake in favor of holding the jutsu. "Kotetsu Hagane, master of restraint jutsu. Come on Raidou, you know restraints and I are best friends. Of course he can't get out."

"Fair point," he conceded. "Alright, count of three Izumo."

"One..."

"Two..."

"Three!"

Izumo popped the lid off the container while Raidou quickly grabbed and cookie, leaned in, waved it under Genma's nose, and whispered in a sing-song voice, "Wake up Geeeeeeeeenmaaaaaaa. I have your favorite cookies and I'm feeling frisky."

Genma was awake and fighting the against the invisible restraints before any of them had even registered the movement. "SEX!" The scent of the cookies Izumo had brought finally reached his nose, "COOKIES!" His brain finally put it together that he was being presented with his two favorite things in the world, "HELL YEAH! SEX AND COOKIES!"

"Such a pervert," grinned Kotetsu as he fought the urge to laugh and to stay standing, since Izumo and Raidou where already on the floor balling from laughter.

Genma struggled for a few more moments before realizing why the hell he couldn't reach either the cookies or Raidou. "Why am I restrained?" He looked down to see what kind of restraints where holding him and noticed something he'd missed up until that point. "Huh... well that almost solves one little problem," he said in relation to that fact that he was wearing nothing but his boxers. Then he realized that not only was he not in the bar anymore but it was after sunrise and he was very much outside in the middle of a public square. Now Genma being the pervert he was didn't really mind public nudity all that much, but the whole 'Kotetsu-is-forcing-me-to-stay-attached-to-a-flag-pole-while-they-eat-cookies-and-stoping-me-from-having-sex-with-Raidou' thing was annoying him. "Dudes! What the hell ! Let me down!"

Well, of course they weren't going to do that quiet yet. Instead they set about tormenting the poor man.

"Nah, not gunna let you down quiet yet." He lifted the cookie in his hand to his mouth and sniffed it in a very Kotetsu-ish manner.

"You wouldn't!"

An oh-so evil 'crunch!' filled the air.

"Mmmmmmm... Chocolate-chip and Pecan," grinned Raidou evilly. "Sooooooooooooo good."

"Awwwwwww come on! You guys know those are my favorite!

"Gimmie one of those," said Kotetsu, since he couldn't move or the jutsu would break.

Izumo grabbed one and placed it in Kotetsu's open mouth. He bit about half of it off at once and groaned in pleasure from the taste sensation. "Oh man... that had to be the best cookie I've ever had."

"Come on guys! Let me down already! I want one!" whined Genma pathetically.

"Do I even want to ask what he did to deserve that kind of punishment?" asked Kakashi, who'd just stumbled onto to them on his way to his usual morning haunt.

"Kakashi! Come sit down and help us torture Genma for awhile!"

Raidou offered him a cookie, "We have snacks!"

Kakashi grinned and took the offered cookie, "In that case..." He plopped down next to Raidou and pulled his mask down so he could eat. "So Genma, enjoying the sunrise?"

"I hate you Kakashi."

"If you hated me then you wouldn't be my stalker/peeping tom," he countered, mouth half full with cookie-goodness.

"Don't you have a Genin team to get too?"

He chuckled, "Yeah, right. Sakura's sick and Naruto's off on a mission with Neji and Tenten. I've got the rest of the week off."

Genma sighed in frustration, "Please let me down now?"

Izumo, Kotetsu, and Raidou looked at each other and shrugged, "Nah, not quiet yet."

"So, tell me the story behind how he earned a full blown torture session."

"Not much too it. We were sitting at the bar, got bored, he started being a pervert, Izumo came up with the brilliant idea to tie him up and torment him for a laugh. So here we sit."

"Typical Genma."

They sat around munching on the cookie while listening to Genma complain for five more minutes before decided the poor pervert had had enough.

"Okay Kotetsu, let him down."

Kotetsu smirked and released the restraint jutsu.

Genma dropped about a foot to the ground and scrambled for the container of cookies...

...The very empty container of cookies actually.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried in the most pathetic voice he had. "I WANT COOIKES!"

Four sets of equally taunting laughter.

"Cheer up Genma, I'm sure we can find you some cookies at home."

"YOU DAMN WELL KNOW THAT THERE AREN'T ANY COOKIES AT HOME RAIDOU! I ATE THEM ALL YESTERDAY!"

"Chill dude," chuckled Izumo as he pulled another full container out of a pocket of his jacket. "I brought more."

Genma, stupid grin already plastered all over his face, grabbed the entire container and made a break for the forest.

They waited in silence for all of a minute before anything happened.

"GAH! THESE AREN'T RIGHT! YOU KNOW I HATE PEANUT BUTTER OATMEAL WITH RAISANS!"


End file.
